I'm starting this blog for various reasons. One of them is because I need an outlet for stress. I don't intend to spend all of my time whining, but sometimes a massive long rant is necessary for self care, and if the middle of an international pandemic emergency isn't one of those times, I don't know when is. So here goes. I'll get this off my chest and then hopefully my next post will be more positive.
It's the 24th May 2020. We are almost 5 months into the international crisis known as COVID-19. 2 months since my own country imposed a complete lockdown. 67 days since my own household went into lockdown (a week earlier than the official date because my husband had a cough and we had to self isolate - it turned out to be nothing, just left over from a cold, but never mind).
Everything is absolutely horrible. I'm working from home, which ordinarily I'd be happy about, but I'm doing it in a house full of people who are stressed and bored and irritable and grumpy because they've been trapped at home for 67 days, can't do anything they want to do, can't see their friends and their brains are all but leaking out of their ears. If I actually get any work done it's a bloody miracle. When I actually get some time off, instead of doing something fun, I'm spending it trying to stop the menfolk from going insane. Meanwhile my mother is isolated in her home, dependant on me to bring her food and she's also climbing the walls.
My husband is still working. He's only going in a couple of days per week, but when he's there he has to fight for PPE to be issued at all. Every time he comes home I wonder if he's bringing the lurgy with him.
My son is year 11. He's spent years working hard for his GCSEs which are now abruptly cancelled and now replaced by predicted grades. He, like most kids, didn't try as hard in his mocks as he was going to in his finals so now he gets to spend months panicking about whether he'll get good enough grades to get into college after all. He also gets to feel lost and cheated because he missed out on something like 3 months of his last year of school. No prom, no precious last time spent with friends, many of whom will go to different colleges and he may never see them again. Probably none of the things he'd planned for the summer holiday can happen now either.
Also, it's almost his 16th birthday. A big and exciting time for anyone, now he can't have his friends or most of his family celebrate with him. He can't go on the water park trip we promised for his 16th. No fun birthday camping trip either. He was meant to be getting a moped too. A moped he won't actually be able to use because he can't take his CBT test and nobody can tell us when it'll be allowed again. I'm not really surprised his mental health is almost as far down the toilet as mine right now.
The TV and the Internet are a maelstrom of stress and hyperbole, political outrage, gloom and doom, and weeping people who've lost their loved ones or their jobs and even just 5 minutes looking at any of it is guaranteed to send even the most robust mind into a spiral of doom.
I don't like to base my feelings on the media. But as a scientist I've spent my fair share of time reading actual facts and papers about this horrible new disease, in fact it's a requirement of my job to do this. And you know what? Even if I hadn't seen any media at all, I'd still be terrified. I don't believe for one moment this virus is man made. But if I were to make the ultimate virus, it would look a lot like this. Evolution can be an absolute bitch sometimes. Yeah, most of the people dying have previous health issues or they're old. Well I have health issues. So does my son. My mum is old. Many of my friends have health issues too. So excuse me if I'm not particularly reassured.
Going to the shops is a sensory nightmare these days. Between the need to queue all round the car park, the confusing arrows and crosses and hazard tape, the need to treat every other human as if they're some sort of unexploded bomb, and riot shield like perspex screens now erected at every till, I come out every time feeling mentally exhausted and overwhelmed, like I've run the gauntlet, not got the weekly groceries.
Then you look at all the people who are breaking the rules. I don't want to even go there because the rant would still be pouring out of me next Tuesday. So I'll just say that I really, REALLY hate that my safety, and my family's safety, depend on other people doing the right thing. Because they just don't.
So yeah. I'm stressed about the people who are out there suffering and dying. I'm scared in case one of them eventually turns out to be me, or someone I really care about. I'm stressed about how much life has changed, and stressed that it may never get back to normal again. I'm stressed about how much people around me are stressed. I'm stressed because everything and everyone is just so weird right now. I'm stressed about money, I'm stressed about people and I'm stressed about stress. My anxiety is terrible. My executive dysfunction is pretty much off the scale. If I even manage to get dressed before lunchtime it's a freaking miracle. I'm suddenly even more aware than usual that I'm neurodiverse... So many things are pressing my ND buttons right now and it's EXHAUSTING.
I really, really need a break.
